you are the one who gives me hope.

I seriously need a laptop.
I feel so removed from everything when I am working and away from home for long periods of time. I have been away since Monday morning and I have trouble setting myself in an actual time and space because I have nothing but a bed and a tv in my hotel room. With a laptop I could keep up with the world and especially with this blog. I really do miss it. I miss writing to get some of the millions of things that spin around in my head. It somehow keeps me sane. I miss researching the topics I talk about and reading other people’s blogs to make sure that I am not stealing anyone’s thunder. I miss just having that alone time. I will look on Ebay and see if I cannot by any chance fall on a cheap computer that is setup for Wireless / WiFi. It has become a necessity.

The husband and I have gone back to our weekend escapes now that I have my flying passes again. It really does make a difference. We went to New York City a few weeks ago, just because. I hadn’t been to the Big Apple in about 10 years and I needed to refresh my memory. We saw a great Vaudeville show and enjoyed some Katz Deli superbness (not once but twice!).

We also walked around the Lower East Side. I actually fell in love with that area. Manhattan has a great energy and it’s so exciting to be part of it, standing on the corner of the street looking up at those tall buildings and feeling like you are part of a microcosmos. The East Village though has a different spirit. More laid back, a little immodest and home to some good debauchery. I felt comfortable there. Needless to say, spending 3 days in NYC is not a vacation! We were initially only planning on being there for 48 hours, but standy status oblige, we were forced to leave a day later…which also included sleeping on the floor of an empty LaGuardia airport. Finally, after all the walking, the museums (MoMa and Museum of Sex), the shopping, the sight-seeing, we were truly exhausted. We ended up coming back home more tired than before we left!

So to really relax we decided to go to Las Vegas (yeah, i know, life is tough). And that was a vacation! From the moment I stepped out of the airport to our last trip on the shuttle out, I was enjoying every minute of my time there. What a wonderful place! Wow. I really wasn’t expecting to like Vegas because I have issues with concrete capitalist tourist-oriented businesses, but in its own vulgarity, Sin City does have a charm. I guess I felt good not being the odd one for once. Anything goes in Vegas and it’s like all the deviants come together in a giant embrace. Of course, you have all the tourist traps and the colorful and loud attractions, but we generally stay away from those anyway. So Vegas was no different. We now how to choose our activities.

The weekend was mostly focused on the Burlesque Hall of Fame. This event takes place every year and honors the Burlesque queens past and present. As a newcomer to the scene, it was such an enriching experience to be part of. I learned a lot from the different performers and got a glimpse of the pinup world that is out there. All those gals are just phenomenal. I even got to buy a beautiful summer dress at the Burlesque Bazaar!

You can’t go to Vegas and not gamble. For my part, I spent most of my money on the slot machines. My favourite was the Price Is Right one. I even got to play Plinko on it. What a treat! ……Then I discovered blackjack. I had an interactive channel at home when I was younger that let you play “live” games on your tv and I spent so much time learning blackjack. So I did try the real table with real tokens in Vegas. I must say I felt a bit overwhelmed at first, but you quickly grow into it and it becomes a bit of an addiction. When you realize that you are winning, it is hard to stop. I ended up winning 45$ and walked away.

On our last day, we lounged by the pool, something that we rarely do because we are a bit restless and like adventures more than quiet time. This time it was much welcomed. I truly think I have an extraordinary hubby and getting to spend some quality time like that with him means the world to me. He is my favourite person to be around and these mini vacations genuinely bring light and love to our relationship.

I am the luckiest girl on earth.

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life at 35000 feet.

I know. I know. I’ve neglected you.
I had forgotten how much of a whirlwind my life is when I am back on the line. I’ve been away flying for 7 days now and it seems like it’s been longer than that. I am not used to this anymore. My body gets tired much faster. My feet swell and I get all bloated. Still, it’s so good to be back! Seeing old friends again, inquiring about each’s next destination, the frenzy before departure, sitting in my jumpseat and silently reviewing my commands, walking in a new hotel room for the first time, the familiar sightings of a city I’ve been to before, the overwhelming feeling of liberty when all alone in a new place in the world…

It’s the 9th of May and I’ve spent time in Newfoundland twice, San Francisco and Edmonton already. I’ve crossed the country too many times to count in the last week -in the last 48 hours-. I have worked a whole hell of a lot since I left the Government offices.

I’m so happy I get two weeks off after this. I really need it! Ah the joys of working the friendly skies. Not always as glamourous as it seems.

I also really miss my hubby. I usually always have a thought for him no matter where I go or am, but these last few days, I especially have been missing him. I do not particularly enjoy being in cities we both love dearly (i.e. SanFran) without him. I feel like a widow revisiting past memories and it makes me sad. I wish he was here.

All in all, I do have the best job in the world and I know it.

Ok. More later. Time for bed now. I am getting picked up at 4:45am after all. Good night darlings.

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and we danced all night.

Lately I have been thinking about the past. About things I have done. I am very nostalgic of those times and I am not really sure why. They weren’t the best times of my life. I was very unhappy on many levels, but somehow right now, I really miss the highs of those moments. –We, as human beings, tend to remember the good things of the past and then put aside the bad parts that made us want to quit in the first place. The brain works in strange ways.–

I remember feeling somewhat content with not knowing what was lying ahead. Just being on my own and doing what I want without thinking twice. I miss jumping on the midnight bus, just because I decided so and going across the country to meet some friends. I miss working in an office in the music industry and attending all the major events and parties. I miss going back to that same office at 4 in the morning after partying all night because we are too drunk to go anywhere else. I miss the ‘important’ people. I miss the tingly feeling inside when I knew I was doing something most people can only dream of. I miss the spotlight. I miss the feeling that anything is possible. I miss being a ‘cool chick’. I miss the passion. I miss the fun without limits. I miss the drugs. I miss the long talks in the middle of the night when we couldn’t sleep. I miss not stressing so much about the world around me. I miss being that carefree.
Those things completed me in the way they were incomplete. They made me more human.

And then, behind all that glamour, I certainly don’t miss the promiscuous sex, the hangovers, the hypocrisy, the games, the tears, constantly being broke, the instability and the dire loneliness.

So where does this melancholy come from?

Well, the thought of my birthday in April bringing me very close to 30 might be scaring me a little. I know things won’t necessarily change, that life continues the same way…but I don’t know…30 seems like a big deal to me. I’ve always thought I’d be settled (financially, mentally and physically) and living in a house with 2 kids and a dog by now. Unfortunately, my experience was something different. I lived the life when I was younger and paid for it. Which is fine altogether, but it doesn’t necessarily give you the picture perfect setting. –Why us women have this idea that 30 is some sort of time limit for things to happen; I don’t know. But you feel it. Inside. Ticking.–

Strangely still, I am at my happiest right now. I have a fantastic husband that I love more than anything and cherish every day. I seriously could not ask for anybody better than him. I have great friends and family that I can rely on. I have a career that I enjoy so very much (which I can’t wait to resume in May!) and we have a new apartment that I truly want to be a nest. I only say ‘strangely happy’ because that is such a new thing for me. I usually thrive on being unhappy. It pushes me forward. I could write an instruction book on ‘how to make life enjoyable when all is shitty’. Still, I am a very positive person in my own neurotic kind of way.

Not a lot of people understand how the carefree lifestyle can be done, but when you are living it the benefits are grand ( in the short term at least!). Living in the fast lane has its ups and downs (both of which are extremes) and I would not trade what I have now for those days. I have been waiting way too long for this. Being married is a wonderful journey and I learn from it every day. Some days are tougher than others but all are filled with love and that makes everything worth it.

I just have to find a way to live my rock ‘n’ roll and still be a good wife and better person in general.
I still haven’t figured out how that would be possible but being the person that I am, I am sure I will find some way not to lose the little party girl inside me…I just hope nobody gets hurt.

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