birthday weekend.

It’s my birthday. 
What’s strange is that I don’t even feel like it is. Not that I do not know it is, but it’s not like when you are younger and your birthday is the most important day of the year. It’s just another day. I am getting closer to 30 and that gives me a bit of a chill. Still had a celebratory rockabilly night with close friends on Saturday night matched with a show by The Mahones. What else can you ask for?

The rest of the weekend was spent shopping for an outfit paid for by the hubby (and I made sure I chose something voluptuous that would turn him on. I’m nice like that), and running the regular errands (laundry, groceries, apartment fixings, etc). The weather was great and made both days off a joy. Too bad it has to rain today…

Here’s something that got me emotional. I usally don’t care much for these kind of shows; there are too many of them and I find it to be a big salad of reheated talent. But I love stories of  ’the unlikely’  making it to the top. It warms my heart. For all the bad news we get every day, this actually put a smile on my face.

Ok, more bad news on the airline front: an aircraft from Canjet was hijacked. A good friend of mine is a flight attendant for this company and I just hope she wasn’t on that plane! My heart goes out to all of them. I can only imagine the stress of going through that.  It’s staggering.

I just can’t believe people’s idiocy.  I question the right to parenthood for some when I read about incidents like this one. What were they thinking ?! Don’t wear your seatbelt if you don’t want to, but you should be responsible for your kids at all time!  For fuck’s sake.

Because it’s my birthday. I indulge in a little treat.  You should too.

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and we danced all night.

Lately I have been thinking about the past. About things I have done. I am very nostalgic of those times and I am not really sure why. They weren’t the best times of my life. I was very unhappy on many levels, but somehow right now, I really miss the highs of those moments. –We, as human beings, tend to remember the good things of the past and then put aside the bad parts that made us want to quit in the first place. The brain works in strange ways.–

I remember feeling somewhat content with not knowing what was lying ahead. Just being on my own and doing what I want without thinking twice. I miss jumping on the midnight bus, just because I decided so and going across the country to meet some friends. I miss working in an office in the music industry and attending all the major events and parties. I miss going back to that same office at 4 in the morning after partying all night because we are too drunk to go anywhere else. I miss the ‘important’ people. I miss the tingly feeling inside when I knew I was doing something most people can only dream of. I miss the spotlight. I miss the feeling that anything is possible. I miss being a ‘cool chick’. I miss the passion. I miss the fun without limits. I miss the drugs. I miss the long talks in the middle of the night when we couldn’t sleep. I miss not stressing so much about the world around me. I miss being that carefree.
Those things completed me in the way they were incomplete. They made me more human.

And then, behind all that glamour, I certainly don’t miss the promiscuous sex, the hangovers, the hypocrisy, the games, the tears, constantly being broke, the instability and the dire loneliness.

So where does this melancholy come from?

Well, the thought of my birthday in April bringing me very close to 30 might be scaring me a little. I know things won’t necessarily change, that life continues the same way…but I don’t know…30 seems like a big deal to me. I’ve always thought I’d be settled (financially, mentally and physically) and living in a house with 2 kids and a dog by now. Unfortunately, my experience was something different. I lived the life when I was younger and paid for it. Which is fine altogether, but it doesn’t necessarily give you the picture perfect setting. –Why us women have this idea that 30 is some sort of time limit for things to happen; I don’t know. But you feel it. Inside. Ticking.–

Strangely still, I am at my happiest right now. I have a fantastic husband that I love more than anything and cherish every day. I seriously could not ask for anybody better than him. I have great friends and family that I can rely on. I have a career that I enjoy so very much (which I can’t wait to resume in May!) and we have a new apartment that I truly want to be a nest. I only say ‘strangely happy’ because that is such a new thing for me. I usually thrive on being unhappy. It pushes me forward. I could write an instruction book on ‘how to make life enjoyable when all is shitty’. Still, I am a very positive person in my own neurotic kind of way.

Not a lot of people understand how the carefree lifestyle can be done, but when you are living it the benefits are grand ( in the short term at least!). Living in the fast lane has its ups and downs (both of which are extremes) and I would not trade what I have now for those days. I have been waiting way too long for this. Being married is a wonderful journey and I learn from it every day. Some days are tougher than others but all are filled with love and that makes everything worth it.

I just have to find a way to live my rock ‘n’ roll and still be a good wife and better person in general.
I still haven’t figured out how that would be possible but being the person that I am, I am sure I will find some way not to lose the little party girl inside me…I just hope nobody gets hurt.

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